Yards Of It
by scousemuz1k
Summary: A conversation in the showers is overheard in the locker room... I think it would probably be OK at K , but I'm calling it T just in case. Short oneshot, for laughs, I hope. Team fic.


Yards Of It

By Scousemuz1k

Tim ambled into the locker room, thinking a shower would be relaxing before he went home. The exercise had been pleasant; he preferred an aerobic conditioning session to a workout with Ziva any time… (No, he wasn't being disloyal to a team member; Ziva _knew_ that most people in the building would prefer gallstones to a workout with her.)

It had been quiet; with Tony confined to desk duty, there had been no blow by blow commentary - how DiNozzo managed to run off at the mouth while running fast and steady on the treadmill only he knew. But somehow, Tim missed it. He rummaged in his locker for a towel; he could only hear one shower running, so there'd be no undignified scramble for the others. He began to walk towards them, when he stopped, and frowned. He heard a familiar voice, but one that surely shouldn't have been there, saying, "…Well, as long as you have his say-so…"

Abby?

"Wouldn't dream of doing this without it, Abbs."

_DiNozzo?_

Tim listened, struck motionless, his brain totally detaching itself from his body as the Italian's voice went on, "Oooh… that's good… ooh… you'd think we could find an easier way than this… ow…"

"Keep still, silly boy. What better place could there be than the shower? There, how does that feel?"

"Better… lots better… oh… Miss Sciuto, your hands are _magic_, d'you know that?"

"Well, now," the magic Miss Sciuto drawled, "You might not be saying that by the time I've finished, mister…"

"Aw, Abbs, you're not going to hurt me, are you?"

Tim became aware that Gibbs had materialised beside him, his towel over his shoulder, his mouth open with shock.

"To-neee… sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind…"

"Ooh, no, Abbs… Ooh…" The long drawn out moan made the two listeners stare at each other, trying to purge their minds of the pictures they were seeing.

"We should leave," Gibbs hissed.

"No way, Boss. I'm going to stay, and maybe punch him."

"Me too."

"Abbs… ooh, oh, ow…Abbs, we need more lubricant…"

"Sweetie, it's _not _lubricant."

"Aaahh… well whatever it is, I need it."

"_Lubricant?"_ Ziva whispered, joining the other two. Not as squeamish as the men, she made to march round the lockers and down to the showers, but the men drew her back.

"You can't!" Tim let out a muted squawk.

"Why n-"

"Come _here,_ Tony…"

"Ooh, Abbs… no… don't hurt me…"

"You're such a wimp, DiNozzo - what's life without a little pain… let me see… oh my god, Tony, there's _yards_ of it!"

"I know….." Tony's voice trailed off into a moan.

"Mmm…" Abby said breathily, "It's a lot harder than I thought." Tony's only answer was a gasp. "Do you think I should go a bit faster?"

"Oh, no, Abbs, no no no no no…. go slowly… please go slowly… oh, baby, you hold my life in your hands…"

Gibbs turned to go with an outraged snort, but the other two hissed at him to stay, as Abby's voice drifted back to them.

"O-kay… you're not going to like me, Dino…"

Tony's groan was anguished.

"Just a little tug…"

Tony's voice went up an octave, and then another."Oh, no, Abbs… not my nipple… not my nipple… aaahhhh….."

"There, sweetie, that wasn't too bad, now, was it? Ssh… now, one good pull, and we're all done…"

"Oh no… oh no… oh noooooooo…."

The SFA's rising scream died away to nothing, and Abby's voice was businesslike. "Phew. You are such a wet lettuce, Tony. There's the cream. I'll put some on your back, the rest _you_ can deal with yourself…. There."

Tony spoke in his best puppy voice. "Thanks, Abbs. I'd never have done it without you." The trickle of the shower stopped, and the three listeners had nowhere to hide as the squelch of wet feet approached. "Oh, Hi, Boss. Zi, McGee. Good workout?"

Tony came round the lockers, wearing only a pair of boxers that were wringing wet like the rest of him, and reached into his locker for a towel. Abby followed him, marching purposefully, her hair in a shower cap, plastic oversleeves up to her armpits, and wearing galoshes and a large waterproof apron. Over her arm were draped several long, wet pieces of surgical tape; if you looked closely, but who'd want to, you could see several forlorn chunks of Tony's chest hair adhering to them.

Abby tore the cap off dramatically. "Gibbs, if you _ever_ let him break his ribs again, you can deal with him yourself."

Gibbs found his voice. "Well," he said philosophically, "I don't suppose I'd stay silent if someone was pulling _my_ chest hairs out one at a time, Abbs."

"Of course you would, you're Gibbs," she said tartly. She dropped the tapes in the waste bin, and clumped out.

Ziva and Tim, their eyes glassy, went wordlessly off towards the showers. Tony looked at Gibbs, with a slightly diffident, but impish smile. "Have to say, you're right there, Boss."

Gibbs smacked him up the head, but gently, as light dawned. "You _knew _we were out here. You did it deliberately."

Now the smile was a huge grin. "Would I do that, Boss?"

**AN: If you've read my effort, 'Deck the Hall', you'll recall that Tony broke some ribs…..**


End file.
